What does it truly mean to live by faith and not by sight? To allow the spoken and written word of the Lord to be the light on your path? How do we truly lay down our trust in the light and possibility of man, to believe in the impossibility of a God we cannot see/prove/ but know to be true, all by the power of Faith?
Journaling has been a release for me for as long as I can remember. I find my best emotions are expressed through words weaving themselves into unison on a blank page. Mostly I love handwriting it out too, but hearing the harmonious clicking of my fingers on the keys of my Mac is somehow relaxing also.
Because people who are older always testify to hindsight being the best road map, I also find it helpful to re-read these journals (and I have a whole box full) especially when it comes to “on this day”.
Its like a manual FaceBook, telling me what I wrote as my status 5 years ago, or which photo I was tagged in bringing up horrible memories you though the internet had covered for you. Turns out not.
But with the embarrassment comes some surreal perspective. You all of a sudden realised how long you’ve been praying for the same thing, or you see how much maturity you have stepped into because your entry from 20 February 2014 asks for something from the Lord you’ve been confidently standing in for 3 years. I find it inspiring, awfully humbling at times and sometimes a little comical. But more often than not it points me to a God is who is good and a God who is so constant.
So often we hear the Lord speak and we are automatically bound by time. If the Father has promised me a husband when I was 19, he must come true on that promise by the time I am 23, because that’s a fair amount of time for the Father to fulfil his promise. (Jokes, turns out my expectations reflected in 4 years of journaling do not truly reflect what the Lord is doing in reality). The Lord is powerful right? He spoke the world into existence? With one word can’t he make prince charming, preferably on a white horse, arrive on the doorstep on my parents house where I am currently staying, and I’ll just get on cause I’ll know the Lord has provided and we’ll ride off and live happily ever after?
And why is it that if the Lord has not provided his promise in the timeframe that we have set, do we jump to the extreme that it was therefore not a legit promise from the Lord, only a fake one, and therefore it’s probably never going to happen because I have said so? What happened to His love being Loyal? I have read at the end of every year for the past 4/5 at least one entry that is frustrated and angry and wrestling with the Lord because He is the one who hasn’t provided. Actually, like the sparrows, the Father has provided everything I need, except that which I want, something He has promised, just hasn’t fulfilled… yet.
Do you want to know the other truth that my journal has reflected to me over the last few years? We are bound by possibility. I had a dream years ago that was so outrageously outside the boundaries of what Man believe is possible, that I even doubted if it was from the Lord. Sure I appreciate your promise Father, but even I know that you do not work like that, because I, the lowly child in the Kingdom knows how you work, and this is not it. But I also argued in faith that because it was so outrageous I couldn’t have come up with it myself, so it’s therefore probably from the God of the universe. I kept it to myself for ages because I was too embarrassed and confused by it. But as I began telling my good, loving, Christian friends, whom I sought for wisdom, the answers I received did not truly reflect the Father.
“Katie, you’re putting bounds on what the Lord can do, I don’t believe The Lord speaks like that,” “Katie, that’s probably from the Enemy to distract you.”
What I was probably more accurately doing was putting boundaries on what the Lord could do, not because I was looking through the lens of the promise, but because I was not.
Let me explain further.
If I chose to ignore the promise, put it aside and avoid it, then I put a limit on what God could do, because I decided in my heart, He cannot do that, because its not within the limits of possibility. If I chose to believe it, to believe that God is faithful, to believe in a promise so outrageous and impossible, then God could work within the limits of His own authority – the impossible authority that is so much more infinite than our finite minds can comprehend. Why else would He tell us to prophesy to dry, dead bones?
Four years later, I had laid down that promise completely. Mostly because until recently I didn’t know for sure if it was actually from the Lord or not – I had no idea. But in my heart, I so wanted to believe it. I so wanted to believe that God could do it. To believe he was as good as I knew he was and as good as I was told he was. Because I wanted to be like Anna, who prayed and prayed for a Saviour, and who finally, years later, walked out a fulfilment with the birth of Jesus brought to the temple; I too wanted to Trust God. But it just didn’t make sense, as I was trying to understand the Fathers boundless mind in the boundaries of mine.
Last night the Father asked me why I was so afraid to believe it was actually from Him. He graciously unwound his incredible blessing over me and like a father, brought me back into a place of being routed in his promise and faithfulness. It doesn’t matter to me anymore how long it takes for it to be fulfilled, only that He has said it has happened, and that I will see an inheritance from it.
The Lords thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways higher than our ways. Therefore it makes no sense to be angry with the God who has provided everything you need, including the breath in your lungs, because he does things outside the boundaries of our own understanding. Jesus was like that. He didn’t always make sense to his friends at the time of explaining the things of the Kingdom. But in a place of trust and love, they understood later what their Saviour meant by these things. Once and for all, the Lord is faithful. Once and for all, the Lord is a God of love; of truth; of faith; of hope. He is not a God of unfulfilled promises, but of fulfilled ones. How do I know? Because He has told me so.
Worship isn’t just about singing songs about God on Sunday morning, Its deeper than that. It’s an intentional way of living that reflects what the Father has done in us, to bring glory to Him. Paul writes it clearly – Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice.
I’m not a great singer, though I love to worship. Good thing God doesn’t care for Man’s expectations. But I can write. And I believe the Father has blessed it to be a light to people. To encourage and nurture and heal the hearts of people and point them back to the Father. It’s one of the ways I worship the Lord and I am inviting you into it.
“Finally brothers, what ever is true, what ever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”
Forever and ever, this little light of mine shines,